Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Anxiety and Early Pregnancy

Note: This post was written midway through week 5. I am currently nearing week 13 and feeling much more peace about this topic, but still struggle with anxiety about our pregnancy and the baby's health. Thank you for your prayers, we should be caught up and posting "real-time" in a couple weeks!

This is a bit of a serious post. Sometimes I struggle with serious anxiety. It used to be a lot more often when my life was frequently changing back in college, but the DNA still remains. I tend to enjoy predictability and knowing when to zig and when to zag. I am also an incredibly fearful soul. I hate germs for fear of illness, standing too far in the middle of the grocery aisle for fear of making someone upset, or confronting almost any ailing personal relationship (aside from my marriage) for fear of starting a fight, just to name a few. I often polarize situations to be "the best thing ever" or "the worst thing ever." I'm not much of an in-between gal.



Clearly this can make things tough, because life isn't exactly a straight and narrow path. So you can imagine how early pregnancy might be rocking my "always steady" world. I woke up out of a dead sleep last night at 3am in a sheer panic attack. I'm talking shortness of breath, head spinning, sweating, no way I'm going back to sleep type panic. I know what it was about, too. It was about everything that could (and in my mind, would) go wrong with our pregnancy and baby. I have read and heard way too much at this point about miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, signs of miscarriage, stories of women miscarrying, etc, etc.

All I can think about is miscarriage. It's consuming me and stealing my joy. I have to be honest, so many of the miscarriage stories I've heard are from the handful of people we've already confided in about being pregnant. Note to everyone out there: Please do not talk about miscarriage and tell detailed stories about all the women you know who have miscarried at all stages of their pregnancy to a new mom going through her first pregnancy. I dearly love all my confidants, but it literally, multiple times, has looked like me telling someone how scared of miscarriage I am and them proceeding to tell me a story about all the women they know who have miscarried. Not helpful.

I know it's not their fault and they're just trying to relate, but all this miscarriage talk has got me so wound up. I also feel like there are a bajillion friends, coworkers, and randoms who are pregnant in front of me right now, most of them at least 8 weeks ahead of me. I've found myself telling Arthur over and over again how I wish I was them. How awful is that? God absolutely does not want that for me. The only reason I wish I was someone else right now is so I can be further along, and in theory, in a much "safer" point in this pregnancy. I have heard that right now we are basically at anywhere from a 25–70% (who knows what's actually correct!) chance of miscarriage until we hear the baby's heartbeat, when it then drops to somewhere between 2–4%. Our first prenatal appointment isn't until week 9...3.5 weeks from now. Crap that's a long time to have to wait to see if your baby is okay. And even then, we simply might not be able to hear the heartbeat just yet. Crazy. Town.

Enjoying the fruits of patience last summer

So where does this put me? I can't stay terrified forever. It's not healthy for me or the baby...or my husband! In an effort to give my heart back to God, I opened up my bible amidst my 3am panic. I found Psalm 19:7–14, which says:
"The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul; the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple; the precepts of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes; the fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever; the rules of the LORD are true, and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, even much fine gold; sweeter also than honey and drippings of the honeycomb. Moreover, by them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward. Who can discern his errors? Declare me innocent from hidden faults. Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me! Then I shall be blameless, and innocent of great transgression. Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer."
What I get out of this is that God is perfect, sure, right, pure, clean, true, righteous, finer than gold and sweeter than honey. I'm really struggling with viewing him this way. He has revealed to me over the past few months that I have a really distorted picture of him and his nature. You see, I often lift up God's wrath, power, control, and having fear of the Lord above his other traits. I struggle with seeing God as loving, period. In my mixed up mind—even as I write this—I believe that God would allow this baby to die to draw me closer to him.



I tell Arthur these thoughts all the time and he does the best he can to constantly remind me that while, yes, God could very well do that, he doesn't just do it for "fun". I find myself angry at God knowing that he could do this. And then I start to panic thinking that my sinful thoughts are going to cause God to want to do this even more because "clearly I'm not focused on him and coveting the baby inside me that isn't even ours".  This baby is God's and I finally gave that up this morning in my desperate early morning prayer. I can't say I am fully believing this truth yet, but I'm praying the Lord would impress this deeply onto my heart. My sweet husband keeps reminding me that this is going to be a lifelong task, praying for our child. It's never going to end so I better get on board.

I know this is deep and maybe a bit too intense for everyone, but this is how I'm really dealing right now and I am certain I'm not alone. And honestly, this is why I'm blogging through all of this. I have found so much inspiration and courage from a few key women (many are not helpful or only make it seem like unicorns and rainbows follow them everywhere) who have blogged through their pregnancies. I hope I can pass something helpful along to the next overly anxious first-timer. Please don't hesitate to email or comment with a prayer request or if you just want an understanding shoulder to cry on. Our husbands are superheroes, but they don't always know what to say.


Need to catch up?

Pregnancy Posts:
We're Having a Baby!
How We Found Out

Weekly Updates:
Pregnancy: Week 5





19 comments:

  1. kels, i totally understand how you feel. i think i let fear and anxiety steal so much joy from my pregnancy. but you are looking in the right place for comfort. there is such peace in knowing that Jesus is there - to hold your fears, and your anxieties. your sweet little babe is blessed to have such a God fearing mama. i can totally relate to being fearful of everything - because i am that way too, but knowing that i need to fear God more than i fear the things and cares of this world has been a convicting and amazing realization for me. especially since as a mama, there seems to always be something to fear. i love how the Lord commands us to " Fear not for I am with you..." i find so much comfort in those words, and i hope you can too! love you lady!

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    1. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your encouraging words! I still struggle with anxiety about the pregnancy and will keep remembering to "Fear not" :) I remember when you were dealing with throw-up a few months ago and your post on anxiety with that (I will totally have a meltdown when that happens in our home), but was excited to see how the Lord brought you through it. I am so grateful we have a Father who knows our hearts! xo

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    2. oh, me tooo! that day was terrifying for me. but exciting because i was able to fully lean on Jesus and let him lovingly walk me through it.

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  2. Hi Kelsey, I clicked on your blog link through Arthurs facebook. I am a friend of his from high school and your blog is so beautiful and honest. We have a lot in common. I am also (almost) vegan, I follow a whole foods organic diet...and I also struggle with extreme anxiety and sometimes depression. I never leave the house without hand sanitized and freak out about all the unknowns. I have two beautiful children and I remember all too well how frightening it is to carry a precious soul. And why in the world does everyone feel the need to share the horror stories?!?! You have a wonderful foundation in Christ and this is going to carry you through. I dont have any great advice or rainbow stories but I wanted to post to let you know I will pray for you through this process and that God will continue to use you as an inspiration to others while you share what you are going through. Thank you for being so honest...it's hard to do this, especially as Christians we like to portray that we are strong and not share our fears. Blessings to you both and I look forward to seeing your little blessing! Congratulations!

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    1. Hi Jenn! It's so great to meet you! It sounds like we are very similar. Thank you for sharing a bit about your experience with anxiety. It is so comforting to know I'm not alone in my struggles and worries. I also find it so refreshing to hear other believers being honest about their struggles, so thank you for encouraging me to continue to be open. It can be intimidating sometimes! I am so grateful for your prayer, what a blessing. I look forward to sharing this journey with you. Feel free to pass on any mom advice along the way! xo

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    2. I agree. We should be able to share openly as christians especially...instead of having to put on a happy face all the time!! I will be lifting all 3 of you up in prayer! And would love to share any tips...although I am openly admitting I don't have it all together!! I am learning every day :)

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  3. Hi. I am a friend of Arthur's from MVPC. I have an amazing husband and one little girl. I think anxiety in the 1st, much anticipated and longed for pregnancy is absolutely normal! I had some of these fears and anxieties while I was expecting also. The Lord has truely blessed you and Arthur with each other and a wonderful love for the Lord. He has also blessed you with this gift of new life and I am so excited for the two of you. I was told by health care workers, friends and family that morning sickness was a sign of a healthy pregnancy. So as you are feeling queazy, take comfort in that it is a sign of health for your baby! I hope this helps even if just a bit, and you are able to enjoy your pregnancy a little more. It will get better as you get farther along, and I remember the first few months were the worst with all of the waiting time. Try to keep busy and focused on the Lord and on your time with Arthur while you wait these next 3.5 weeks. Congratulations on such a wonderful gift, each of you will be in my prayers.

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    1. Hi Carrie! Nice to meet you! I've also heard that sickness can be a good sign. I had been feeling pretty sick from week 5–7 and then from week 10–12, which was always oddly encouraging :) We are at week 13 now and I'm starting to feel a little better, but my belly is growing so I now have that to focus on and find reassurance in! Thank you for your encouragement and prayer, we both are so grateful! xo

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  4. Thank you for sharing this post. Really, thank you. I just stumbled across your blog and I'm so glad I did.

    I am 10 weeks pregnant, and have spent the past 5 weeks wrestling with exactly these sentiments. I too, am overwhelmed by miscarriage horror stories (from friends!), anxiety, difficulty seeing God as loving, and this cycle of destructive thoughts that God would use this to break my control issues!

    I have been praying hard, so hard, through the pregnancy, and too have found relief in God's word. Just last Sunday in church, I feel like I am finally more peace than anxiety, which is a big step, but could only have come from God.

    I agree with you too - that God could use this to his glory in any way he wants, but it's probably more likely that this anxiety eventually (with the right focus) shifts to a pattern of prayer for our children, and that is ultimately to God's glory too.

    Thanks again for sharing. You're the first person I've heard to voice what's been in my heart. What a blessing :) And I am so happy to see that you are beautifully pregnant and due very soon!

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    1. Hi Brittany,

      I'm so glad you found our blog. It's such a relief when you can find someone who relates, so thank you for sharing a bit about your story. I'm also grateful you brought me back to this post. I just re-read it and am reminded of God's goodness.

      God is so, so good, and I completely distrust that so often. But I think these battles that you and I have/are facing are right where he wants us. I've been learning lately about taking my toxic thoughts captive and replacing them with Gods truth. This has really helped me through some recent struggles.

      I will pray for your peace in the Lord as you wade through these early days of pregnancy. I have found that it gets better as the baby becomes more developed and you feel regular movements. But it certainly doesn't entirely go away, which of course is a constant opportunity to depend on our Father.

      It's wonderful to meet you! xo

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  5. James 1:13 - please read it. In the Bible God is said to posess such qualities as wisdom, justice, but it says god IS love, his dominant quality is above all love...just meditating On the fact that he provided his son as a ransom for us is derp proof. God is not the cause of suffering and problems, neither does he decide to bring suffering upon us. There are so many amazing things to learn from His word when read in full context...please contact me I would like to give you more info if you like:-)

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  6. I just wrote the comment above, please let me know if you would like to know more and I can send you my email, and tell you more about me and my struggles. Best, Lu

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  7. I stumbled across this post while googling "early pregnancy anxiety." At 5 weeks today, fear of miscarriage or ectopic thoughts are far outweighing the joy I should have over being pregnant after 2.5 years of infertility. I am glad to have read the words you've written. Thank you!

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    1. Congrats, mama! What a blessing you have received! I'm thankful you found this post also. I'll be praying tonight that God's truth radiates through your heart and mind. He is sovereign over your baby's life and already has your family numbered. I pray you will find peace in this truth :) xo!

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  8. This blog has been such a big blessing to me I felt so much better just knowing that I'm not alone in how I feel. I just found out that I'm approximately 5 1/2 weeks pregnant.As I read through your post I literally could relate to everything you said the black and white perception, anxiety, the fear of coveting the baby even the desperate early morning prayer this morning I actually prayed a desparate pleading prayer for my child. I even kept telling God that the baby belongs to him in desparate hopes that he will let me keep the baby.I also have a distorted view of God please pray for me. I need a deep down revelation of God's love for me and his beautiful nature.

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    1. Hi ltimmon1, I will be praying today for you! Those early weeks are a lot to process. I will be praying for you to have grace with yourself as you stumble through this season. Jesus loves us despite your and my rotten thoughts, and just wants to see us running to him with those fears rather than trying to hide them or feel shame because of them. In Him there is NO SHAME—how amazing is that?! When I wrote this post, I remember feeling like I needed to control my thoughts and "be better", but I really just needed to lay it all out for God (even though he already knows), and confess my lack of trust while asking Him to increase my faith. He welcomes us with open arms and knows how sick with sin we are. I will be praying that these truths echo through your soul and that you would experience the peace and joy than come with resting in your Father this week and throughout your pregnancy. xo

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  9. Great article! I am not pregnant yet, however I "say" I want to have a child with my husband. The reason I say say is because I haven't committed to the action yet. He is extremely ready. I feel a lot of the feelings you mentioned toward the latter part of your post regarding knowing who God really is and the thoughts that He has the ability to put us through things to draw us closer to Him.. I have been struggling for the past 6 mons with all sorts of thoughts( how can we provide for this baby, will my husban be around, what if something happens, am i ready to take full responsibility for a child) And much more.... I feel so overwhelmed.. I have been praying and talking to my husband about it.. I am 33 and want to get started soo. Every time we say okay lets try I just freeze up and have all of these negative thoughts:(. Prayerfully God will give me the peace that surpasses all understanding as only He can.. Thanks for your blog.

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  10. Hi Kelsey,

    I stumbled upon your blog while obessingly googling how to handle anxiety in the first trimester. I recently found out I am 4 weeks pregnant and was overjoyed after trying for a year. But soon enough the anxiety came and I havent been able to settle my thoughts and feelings since. I am earnestly praying to the Lord and speaking scripture over myself. It was so nice to know that I am not alone, in what seems like my own crazy and irrational thoughts. This is such a scary experience but I truly appreciate your honesty and even though we will never meet, I feel as though we can truly relate. Please say a prayer for me during your time with God :).

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  11. I've just found this post and it has really helped me. Thanks so much for writing it x

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