We're actually 39.5 weeks at this point. I guess part of me was hoping that this post wouldn't come to fruition and we'd have a baby over the weekend, but nada. On a more exciting note though, today is our DUE DATE. I think under normal (is there any "normal" in pregnancy?) circumstances I would be on a total high today, but the fact that we thought LB was coming almost a week and a half ago now, it's kind of lost its sparkle. Nonetheless, Papa K and I did part ways this morning with a slightly enthusiastic, "happy due date!".
This Thursday will be 40 weeks on the nose, and while it's not uncommon at all for first timers to go beyond that, so much of me is aching with anxiousness. I was explaining in between tears last night to Arthur that the hardest part about all of this is that I feel like I'm going into labor almost every day. Usually between late afternoon into evening my contractions pick up so much that it would be impossible for me to ignore them and not be on high alert. But by the time my head hits the pillow they fade into nothingness. And sometimes I even wake up with strong contractions that last the entire day. I'm sure you can imagine how emotionally up and down this cycle is for me.
I've been asked by a few people lately, "well, how will you know when to go to the hospital if your already having regular contractions?" The plan has always been to labor at home for as long as possible, which sounds like a complete joke now that I really have labored at home—and at the grocery store, other peoples' houses, and at church—forever at this point. I'm really just looking out for my contractions to get longer, stronger and stay sustained. They give you the 4-1-1 rule during pregnancy, which means that once your contractions are 4 minutes apart, lasting for 1 minute, for 1 hour, that's when you can start to take action. However, this has been my normal for weeks now. So I'm just looking for the intensity to increase and stay that way or my water to break, in which case I will need to get into the hospital somewhat quickly to start my antibiotics now that we know I'm GBS+. So that's the plan.
Throughout this past week I've really gone through a range of emotions. So much of me is resting in the fact that the Lord has LB's birthday already picked out. It is by His will and for His glory that she is even in my belly. And what an amazing miracle that is! So why should this be any different? It isn't. Yes, I am so, so (so, so, so, so, so) anxious to meet her, hold her, smell her, kiss her, see what she looks like, get to know her noises and count her fingers and toes over and over, but I have to keep reminding myself that God's timing and story is always better than anything I could dream up. And boy will those toes look even more kissable when she finally makes her way out.
But frankly, a big part of me is really struggling with the fact that I have not an ounce of control over any of this. I stand here to tell you that there is no amount of red raspberry leaf tea, professional massage, walking, willing my contractions to get stronger, or swirling my hips on the labor ball to bring labor on quicker. I am more sure of this fact than ever at this point. I have tried everything. But all I'm left with is a lack of hope and frustration. Which is of course because there is no hope in those things. True hope is in the Lord. He doesn't fail and will not forsake me. If I'm honest, being angry about this lack of control was where my tears were coming from last night.
In the meantime I've been living my new motto of: act normal. Last week I continued to spend lots of time cooking. I made soup, energy truffles (recipe definitely coming soon!), peach and strawberry applesauces, and lots of fall-inspired dinners with our gorgeous CSA produce. I even canned all my applesauce over the weekend. It feels great to have that done since I've tried to make it an annual project. I also went for a few walks and tried not to sit on the couch too much. I figure being on my feet puts gravity in my favor rather than sitting scrunched on the couch...like I am right now.
By Friday I was definitely feeling antsy for the weekend with my man. We figured it would be a good idea to head out on a date night Saturday, so we got our anxious booties out the door and took a chilly walk hand-in-hand through U-Village. I was feeling quite nauseous, but thought some time and fresh air might help to prep me for our dinner of spicy tacos. It didn't do much, but we trekked over to Ballard to La Carta de Oaxaca anyways.
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| Water for her, margarita for him. |
We hadn't actually been to La Carta before, but it's been recommended by so many people, including the cashier at the mexican restaurant from our babymoon in Portland who said to go there when we're ready to go into labor. We had high hopes! The food was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G, but obviously didn't do the trick. I added as much spice to my tacos as I could handle! We both agreed that this is the best mexican food we've had in Washington and are planning to have La Carta tacos for our first real post-labor meal at the hospital. Don't skip the chips and guacamole—phenomenal!
For now we continue to wait. We are both desperately hoping LB comes this week, but the reality is that I will likely be allowed to go until November 8th before getting induced. If you feel inclined to pray for us, you can pray that the Lord would align our hearts with His will and to give us the patience we need to persevere through this anxious season, and also for Baby to come SOON ;) I think I'm off to work on sewing a nursing cover today. Cheers!
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Kels,
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. I'm praying for you and because I have been in your position twice, I know the frustration. However, remember that the element of you having zero control over when she comes may be frustrating to a DONE preggo, it is also why pregnancy is such a miraculous and magical experience. What else do you experience in life with such patience and surrender? It is a gift to us, Type A's." she is coming. And for sure by November 8th, crazy to know that your due date is today - NOW she can come any time. I had contractions from 17 weeks on with both girls and I promise, you will most certainly know when to go to the hospital:) really, really, she is almost here. Xoxoxo
I'm so glad to know I'm not alone with these feelings! God has totally used you and other mama's to reassure me that I'm not crazy :) It's so hard not to be annoyed at God's timing, but I really do want to soak up these last few days of quiet moments. You're totally right—she IS coming. I'm going to keep reminding myself of that today. Thank you for praying, thank you for encouraging! Love you. xo
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